We don’t call my dad, Mr. Wonderful, for nothing.
(My mom, “the Captain”, is rolling her eyes LOUDLY after reading just this first line. In her words she, “makes his life REAL damn easy.” She’s right. The Captain is always right.)
I’m convinced that Mr. Wonderful could, in fact, walk on water if asked to. Point is he’s never been asked; most likely because the women of his life have him tied up with far more important, and exponentially more self-serving pursuits. The Captain, the Duchess and I keep him, much to his chagrin, extremely busy.
A job description for Mr. Wonderful would probably go a
little something like this:
POSITION: Mr. Wonderful
REPORTS TO (in order of importance): The Captain(Mom), the Duchess (my sister Mindy), the Jackass (that would be me)
REQUIREMENTS: Must possess the patience of Job. Superior communicationskills. High level of experience in diplomacy. Ability to work under pressure and intense micromanagement. Immune to female hormonal fluctuations and subsequent emotional breakdowns. Must be able to work flexible hours and be on call at all times. Experience with auto repair, home maintenance, and psychotherapy preferred required.
PRIMARY FUNCTION: Responsible for playing middle man for all uncomfortable and tumultuous family drama of
which he himself is not directly involved. The successful candidate must be agreeable to continually humiliate himself for the good of “the Cause” and at a moment’s notice. Mr. Wonderful is the do-er of all things not
really related to his own well-being.
- Provide support services to loving spouse and
children as needed (and you will be needed often and at the most inconvenient of times);
- Maintain automobiles to safe road standards even though the car is not registered, owned, or insured, or even driven by you;
- Facilitate communication between warring family factions with the savvy of a UN diplomat;
- Assist grown children with home repair projects at the expense of time that should be devoted to your own growing list of household repairs and your weekly “honey do” list;
- Chauffer the Captain on mind-numbing errands including but not exclusive to the return of items to stores you wouldn’t be caught dead in. Remain parked at the curb in the fire lane until she successful completes her task or the police shoo you away. God help you if you park in an actual spot;
- Purchase feminine products you (hopefully) have no use for;
- Perform other duties and special projects as assigned.
My latest request for my dad fell under “Number 6”–clearly his favorite of job duties. What man doesn’t love being called upon to venture into parts unknown?
It’s kind of like being Indiana Jones, right Dad?
Mr. Wonderful has a proven track record related to “Number 6;” so the Captain, the Duchess, and I didn’t hesitate to volunteer him for his latest quest. We, of course, had other pressing things to do.
If there is one item that I would have to take to Survivor Island (Mr. Wonderful can relate to a Survivor comparison, as he is one of the twelve individuals who still tune in weekly to see which tricky bastard avoids elimination. I kid you not. He’s a fan.). Anyway, if there is one item I cannot live without, it’s the electric breast pump.
This object of affection/revulsion is central to my daily function, as it not only nourishes my sweet Jeffrey; it keeps me from looking like I have an ill-suited and LARGE-ly inappropriate set of implants. Needless to say, when the power cord met its maker, I wept. It was like the entire power grid of the United States had been breached.
Clearly, this is a job for Mr. Wonderful.
While the three women of his life spent the day immersed in such manly pursuits as the Triple B Farms Fall Festival , Mr. Wonderful spent his Saturday saving lives.
Though the task at hand was just outside of his expertise, Mr. Wonderful would not be denied. He carried that Pump-In-Style shoulder bag into not one, not two, but three
stores with his chest held high and his manliness on full display.
Mr. Wonderful didn’t let a man purse compromise his masculinity.
Mr. Wonderful had a job to do.
After several awkward, albeit hilarious conversations with
poor, unsuspecting female employees at two stores he had never actually set foot inside (he’s only made it to the fire lane), Mr. Wonderful had an epiphany.
R-A-D-I-O S-H-A-C -K.
(Cue the heavenly strands.)
While he is the likely the only man to ever enter Radio Shack with a breast pump, Mr. Wonderful was undaunted. The helpful male manager helped restore his pride and ushered him out as discreetly as possible with the appropriate power cord–which they tested in the store together. Men have to stick together.
Mr. Wonderful once again saved the day, and “the girls” rejoiced…and I’m not taking about his wife and daughters.