My mom, the Captain, has repeatedly cancelled Mother’s Day do to the thoughtless actions of her ungrateful children. The years that she actually permits the observance of the blessed day are usually, by coincidence, the years that Mother’s Day falls on my dad, Mr. Wonderful’s, birthday. The Captain spends the entire day pissed off that Mr. Wonderful, once again, gets to shade her moment in the sun.
Because I only post Monday through Friday, today is my day to pay tribute to the woman who reminds me on a daily basis of the nine months plus 35 years I have been sucking the life out of her. Today is Mr. Wonderful’s birthday. I figure I’ll get extra points for writing about her on his special day. (Yes, there are points assigned to Mother’s Day niceties in the McClelland Family, where even breathing is a competition.)
Last year my sister and I were shut out by my brother, the Golden Child and his touching photo montage. This year the bastard grew a tumor to gain the sympathy vote, and my sister, the Duchess, is about to become a mother for the first time; so I figured I better go hard or go home. Here are a few ideas I’ve been toying with to honor the Captain should she allow us to observe Mother’s Day this year:
1.) The Golden Kegel Award
For years the Captain has cautioned me of the dangers of a weak choo choo. Think it’s funny? Try walking around with your bladder hanging out, like a grapefruit between your thighs. Not so funny is it. Next time you’re in the bathroom, think about taking a few seconds out of your busy day to stop your urine flow.
Since I left for my freshman year of college in 1994, the Captain has waged a fierce, fearless battle against the date rape drug Rohypnol. Through her wide-reaching campaign cautioning women of the perils of leaving their drink unattended when they went to the ladies’ room, so many have been spared from an unthinkable crime.
I was always confused by the number of times she hit me with this message, because I was always in the library. Silly Captain, they don’t serve drinks in the library.
3.) The Why Buy the Cow When You Can Get the Milk for Free Award
For every parent of a daughter, this one is pretty self explanatory. I’m still claiming Jeffrey to be conceived by immaculate conception, alien insemination, or the stork.
Or we can just spend all of Mother’s Day playing the Captain’s favorite party game, “Let’s Go Around the Room and Say One Nice Thing About Me.” Who doesn’t like a forced compliment every now and again?
Happy Mother’s Day, Captain. Thank you for all of the wisdom, both solicited and unsolicited, you have shared so openly with your three ungrateful children. You help me everyday to be the best woman and mother I can be. You are the standard.
Oh, and one nice thing about you…You’re girls still haven’t dropped one bit. What more do you want?