Dear Celebrity Friends, I’m Divorcing You

I know that this may come as a BIG surprise, like a Kardashian –sized-blindside- of-a -surprise, but Kim Kardashian is not paying my bills.

Between you and me, I think her lack of personal attention to my finances is totally because of her hectic Hollywood schedule.  I mean between planning the wedding, and the fall out from her unexpected divorce.

Poor Kimmie–that’s what I call her, Kimmie.   Kim and Kris just seemed like the perfect, fairytale couple.

I guess I don’t feel so bad about the whole wedding invite snub thing, Kimmie;  I mean I totally understand that you needed to keep it small and cut costs and everything.

You don’t have to explain that to me, Kimmie.  You know, these are just tough economic times for all of us.   It just so hard being part of the 99%, isn’t it?

You know, it’s not like Kim—oops, I mean Kimmie– and I fell out over anything in particular.  She’s just super busy, and we’ve just kind of grown apart.  Just two girls with a lot on our plates, me and Kimmie.

I mean I’m not filming a T.V. show, or launching a fashion empire at Sears; or staging photo ops of my butt; or getting my hair and makeup done for a trip to the laser hair removal spa.

I’m just doing my thing, you know.  Changing shitty diapers.

I don’t know, Kimmie, we just seemed like sisters.  I mean I felt like I should change my name from Molly to Kollie.

It’s not just Kim, I mean we are all just a little overextended these days.  Look at Brad and Angie.  That’s what I call her—Angie.  They are all over the freaking globe
accumulating kids and saving impoverished nations, it’s so hard to get a free moment to chat and catch up.  I can totally relate.

And Sandy Bullock and I, that’s what I call her—Sandy.  Well, we’re both new moms and it’s just a HUGE adjustment for each of us.  We just haven’t been able to connect.  I’m sure she’ll be giving me a jingle as soon as she and Little Louis get back from vacay with Ryan.

So glad to see those two making a go at it; I mean, are there any two people more deserving than Sandy and Ryan?  I know I can’t think of anyone.

I can’t wait to tell them how truly happy I am for them.

Truly happy.

And Lindz, that’s what I call Lindsay Lohan– Lindz.  Well, Lindz is just really out of control right now.  I mean, I’m not sure I really want my child around her and the negative influences her so called “friends” are shoving down her throat.

If you knew Lindz like I do, you’d totally understand that none of this is her fault.  She’s really the victim. 

Really, Lindz, you know I’m just a phone call away.

I just pray that her little stint in jail and her “full frontal” Playboy shoot are just what she needs to turn her life around.  I mean, she is such a ta-len-ted actress.

Did you see her work in The Parent Trap?  Timeless.

Anyway, I think its just time I break up with my celebrity friends for a while.  This just feels so one-sided lately.

I just really feel like I need to just focus on myself right now, just like Kimmie.

Kimmie, Sandy, Angie, Lindz—I really am sorry.  It’s just that little Jeffrey is a bit needy right now; like he needs health insurance, that spoiled brat.  I mean, can you even believe how much the price of health care these days?

But don’t worry about me, girlz.

That’s “girls” with a “z.”

🙂  Molly

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